


DPD - Dial P to Die

by Sherr



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Chatting & Messaging, Connor is the true meme master, Crack, Fluff and Humor, I'm so sorry, M/M, Memes, Multi, Nothing here is serious, chatfic, don't take this seriously pls, shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-10-05 00:02:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17314304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sherr/pseuds/Sherr
Summary: In which Tina and Gavin teach Connor what memes are, and chaos engulfs the DPD group chat.





	1. T-Pose me, daddy

[FOWLER] added [RK800 #313 248 317 - 51] to [DPD]

[RK800 #313 248 317 - 51] changed to [CONNOR]

Reed: what the shit, i cant change my username, thats bullshit

Chen: ^^^^^

Connor: Good day, Detective Reed, Officer Chen. I merely hacked the chatroom. I assumed it would be uncomfortable to constantly see my model and serial number.

Reed: fucking figured

Chen: I've tried to hack in before, fucking unfair

Fowler: Tough shit.

Reed: stop playing favorites and let me change my username already

Fowler: Last time I did that you all changed your username for memes.

Reed: thats the point of being able to change your username

Chen: C'mon Cap, you're a millennial, have fun with us!

Fowler: No.  
Fowler: And get back to work.

Chen: :^(

Connor: It's really that big of a deal?

Reed: stfu

Chen: Yes!

Connor: In that case...

 

[CONNOR] created [DPD²]

[CONNOR] added [HANK ANDERSON], [TINA CHEN], [CHRIS MILLER], [GAVIN REED] to [DPD²]

Connor: You can change your usernames here! :)

[GAVIN REED] changed to [FUCK YOUR CHICKEN NUGGETS]

Fuck your chicken nuggets: finally

Connor: I see my mistakes.

[TINA CHEN] changed to [TIDE POD]

Tide pod: You don't know how much I love you right now, Connor

Anderson: gdi connor  
Anderson: fowler banned memes from the main channel for a reason

Miller: Oh, so this is how I die again

Tide pod: Chris! Join us!

Fuck your chicken nuggets: one of us

Tide pod: one of us!

Fuck your chicken nuggets: ONE OF US!

Anderson: fucking gen z

Fuck your chicken nuggets: stfu old man, join us

Anderson: tina actually came to my desk and started to chant one of us  
Anderson: why must you hate me, connor

Connor: I regretted this the second Detective Reed changed his username.

Fuck your chicken nuggets: yeah, fuck you too  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: tina where are you

Tide pod: Still chanting

Fuck your chicken nuggets: nice

Tide pod: Nice

[CHRIS MILLER] changed to [DETECTIVE PIKACHU]

Detective Pikachu: Might as well join

Tide pod: YES!

Connor: I'm so confused.

Tide pod: You don't know memes?

Connor: No. Should I?

Tide pod: GASP

Fuck your chicken nuggets: anderson hasnt teach you memes?  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: wth anderson

Anderson: dont teach him memes  
Anderson: you dont know what youre doing

Tide pod: We're teaching him memes  
Tide pod: Come on Gavin!

Fuck your chicken nuggets: wtf, why me

Tide pod: Frankenstein

Fuck your chicken nuggets: OKAY, IM COMING  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: bitch

Tide pod: Thot

Detective Pikachu: F

Anderson: F

 

Connor: Millennials and Gen Z have weird humor.

Anderson: oh good, they didnt convert you?

Tide pod: I'm so fucking happy

Anderson: what did you do

Tide pod: :3

Anderson: ... tina  
Anderson: what did you do

Tide pod: >:3

Anderson: im afraid

 

Anderson: WHY THE DESPACITO MEME

Tide pod: I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY

Fuck your chicken nuggets: FOWLERS FACE JFLKALLDLKAKJDJF

Detective Pikachu: I'm fucking dying guys wtf

[CONNOR] changed [DPD²] to [DIAL P TO DIE]

Connor: P

Fuck your chicken nuggets: P

Tide pod: P

Anderson: i hate every single one of you

Connor: even me? ono

Anderson: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

Connor: love me hank  
Connor: dad*

Fuck your chicken nuggets: daddy

Connor: d-daddy? owo

Tide pod: THAT'S IT  
Tide pod: I'M DONE

Detective Pikachu: Gavin is laughing on the floor  
Detective Pikachu: This is golden omg

Anderson: i refuse

Connor: but daddy ono

Anderson: CONNOR STOP

Fuck your chicken nuggets: THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE

Tide pod: HARD SAME

Anderson: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TEACH HIM

Tide pod: Furry memes

Anderson: WHAT?????

Connor: uwu

Anderson: im going to kill myself

Connor: same

Fuck your chicken nuggets: HHKSKKDKAKKDK  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: FUCK IM DYING

Detective Pikachu: Lt. Anderson is looking at the camera like he's in the office

Tide pod: I fucking love this

 

[CONNOR] added [MARKUS], [SIMON], [JOSH], [NORTH] to [DIAL P TO DIE]

North: adding me last, huh  
North: i see how it is  
North: bitch

Josh: Stop

Simon: These are the ones that teached you memes?

Connor: Yes.

Simon: I see  
Simon: Why

Tide pod: You're the Jericho gang?

Markus: Jericho gang

Simon: We are, yes.

Markus: Jericho gang

Simon: You're okay there?

Markus: No.

North: he's laughing, don't take his word

Fuck your chicken nuggets: that wasn even that funny

Connor: Jericho gangbang

Tide pod: WTF KKFLSLKDKAKKKFKAKKF  
Tide pod: CONNOR I LOVE YOU

Fuck your chicken nuggets: I FUCKIGN CHVIKEDJJFLLALLDLKSKD

North: CONNOR????  
North: I'M LAUGHING SO HARD CONNOR WHAT THE HELL

Simon: I've never heard Josh sighing so hard

Markus: I'm confused.

North: don't worry about it  
North: just take my word when i say that is funny

Markus: Okay?

Anderson: why did you have to corrupt connor  
Anderson: hes never going to stop

Tide pod: Guess you'll have to accept it

Anderson: if i accept this shit hes going to

Tide pod: Going to????

Fuck your chicken nuggets: we broke him

Tide pod: Nice

Fuck your chicken nuggets: nice

Anderson: he sat next to me and started to play senpai by shiki on the fucking stereo

Tide pod: HE DID?  
Tide pod: JJDKALLSLSKKSKKDLRKJSKAJJDHHAHHD

Anderson: if he starts to t pose me im going to shoot both of you

North: damn, i want to see that

Simon: North no

North: north yes

Tide pod: Don't worry, he doesn't know that the t-pose is to assort dominance

Anderson: what did you tell him

Tide pod: just wait

 

Fuck your chicken nuggets: TINA WHY IS CONNOR T-POSING ME YOU BITCH

Tide pod: He's showing dominance

Fuck your chicken nuggets: I READ THE CHAT WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM

Tide pod: You'll have to figure that on your own

Fuck your chicken nuggets: TINA I HAD TO HIDE IN A BATHROOM  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: HES WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: WHAT. DID. YOU. TELL. HIM

Tide pod: Wowie would you look at the time, I have to get back in my patrol

Fuck your chicken nuggets: TINA CHEN YOU FUCKING DISASTER OF A LESBIAN, WHAT DID YOU DO  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TOLD HIMLJFKJAKDKKSKF

Detective Pikachu: Gavin we have to leave

Fuck your chicken nuggets: I WOULD LEAVE IF I FUCKING COULD

Anderson: just tell him you have work  
Anderson: at least he still respects that

Fuck your chicken nuggets: it worked  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: okay, bye, im never coming back to the station ever again

Josh: The protection of the city, everyone  
Josh: We put our lives in their hands

Anderson: arent you regretting that

Josh: I hate everything

North: i want to be a policewoman now  
North: i love this disaster

Markus: I can help you if you really want to be one.

North: yes

Markus: Okay then.

Anderson:

Simon: That can't be good

Josh: I'm moving to Alaska  
Josh: I can't take this

Simon: It only took one meme to break Josh  
Simon: The end is near

Anderson: the end has been near since 2012 but the bitch keeps backing up

Simon: Fuck

Anderson: exactly

 

Fuck your chicken nuggets: oh shit is december 17th  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: pay respects  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: f

Tide pod: F

Anderson: f

Detective Pikachu: F

Connor: Why are we paying respects?

Tide pod: December 17th is the day kinky Tumblr died  
Tide pod: Gavin is still depressed

Fuck your chicken nuggets: i was fucking 16 and still in the closet  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: tumblr was the only website my parents didnt have on parental control because they thought i only used it to see fanarts

Tide pod: 20gayteen suffered a great loss

Fuck your chicken nuggets: i came out on 20gayteen lol  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: two days after tumblr died  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: it was fucking awesome

Connor: I've searched what you're talking about, and I certainly find it regretful that a website that claimed to be that welcoming did such a shitty decision.  
Connor: F

Tide pod: My favorite artists migrated to Twitter, and up to this day I still hate Twitter :(  
Tide pod: I was so sad  
Tide pod: CONNOR STARTED TO PLAY DESPACITO JJAKFKKLKALKFLKS

Fuck your chicken nuggets: FUCK WHY IM NOT THERE TO SEE IT  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: THE BETRAYAL

Tide pod: Sorry Gavin, Connor is my best friend now

Fuck your chicken nuggets: unless hes gay i dont accept it

Tide pod: dude

Detective Pikachu: dude

Anderson: dude

Markus: dude

North: dude

Fuck your chicken nuggets: STOP WITH YOUR DUDES WHAT

Simon: dude  
Simon: Aw man

Connor: dude

Fuck your chicken nuggets: WHAT

Tide pod: You're so fucking stupid omg

Anderson: reading this is physically painful

Detective Pikachu: Ben owes me five bucks haha

Tide pod: Give me 50¢

Detective Pikachu: No

Tide pod: Bitch

Fuck your chicken nuggets: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

Tide pod: We just collectively dude you  
Tide pod: Figure it out on your own

Fuck your chicken nuggets: holy shit  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: connor is gay?

Anderson: the rumor comes out: does connor is gay?

Connor: [Yes.](https://youtu.be/s47WirhHXxY)

Tide pod: HOLY SHIT CONNOR KDKAKAKKFKKALKD

Simon: Okay, but same

North: so oblivious

Markus: It was supposed to be a secret that Connor is gay?

Tide pod: It wasn't

Connor: That makes it worse.

Fuck your chicken nuggets: I DIDNT KNOW BECAUSE I FIND NO USE ON KNOWING IF CONNOR LIKES TO SUCK DICK OR NOT

Connor: But I want to suck your dick. :(

Fuck your chicken nuggets: what

Connor: what

Tide pod: CONNOR STOP I'M DYING

Josh: I actually expect Connor to just say "then perish"

Connor: I'm saving that one up for Gavin.

Fuck your chicken nuggets: bitch tf

Anderson: i hate everything

Josh: Same

 

 

Fuck your chicken nuggets: HES T POSING ME AGAIN  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: TINA GOD DAMM IT MAKE IT STOP

Tide pod: Why would I do that tho

Fuck your chicken nuggets: TINA YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE JJSKKAKD

Anderson: im actually curious about why connor has been t posing gavin  
Anderson: is there a meaning behind it if its not to show dominance?

Tide pod: He's flirting with Gavin

Anderson: what now

Fuck your chicken nuggets: WHAT????

Tide pod: Honestly Gav, you're so fucking oblivious  
Tide pod: You two have been eye-fucking each other since he came back

Anderson: oh cool, so i wasnt imagining things

Detective Pikachu: Tina why did you told him that the t pose is used for flirting

Tide pod: Because I knew it would annoy Gavin

Fuck your chicken nuggets: HES BEEN FLIRTING WITH ME FOR TWO MONTHS?????

Connor: Thanks for finally noticing.

Fuck your chicken nuggets: im having a stroke

North: wait back up  
North: wasn't gavin the asshole that treated you like shit and threatened you with a gun?

Connor: We talked it out the day him and Tina taught me about memes.

Tide pod: Yep  
Tide pod: I threatened Gavin to stop being an idiot and apologize

Fuck your chicken nuggets: tina stfu

Tide pod: I'm not going to shut up, you fucking twink

Fuck your chicken nuggets: IM A BEAR!

Tide pod: You wish you were a bear

Connor: You wish you were a bear.  
Connor: Aw.

Tide pod: HAH, I WON

Anderson: it was true that gavin had a change of heart then?  
Anderson: well, ill be damned

Fuck your chicken nuggets: great now that everyone knows lets not talk about this ever again

North: no, hold on, i want to know what happened

Simon: I'm actually curious

Markus: Me as well.

Josh: If we're all really going to pry on their private lives then

Fuck your chicken nuggets: no were not going to do that

Tide pod: Ok, so we went to the break room to teach Connor some basic memes to prepare him  
Tide pod: Shut up Gavin, I'm telling the story  
Tide pod: We were on the break room andjjskalldllaldl

North: oh dear  
North: did gavin killed her?

Fuck your chicken nuggets: unfortunately i didnt  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: but if my prayers were answered someone must have

Connor: ... Nope. Her girlfriend tackled her.

Fuck your chicken nuggets: how the fuck do you know that

Connor: We were on the phone.

Anderson: thats why you were talking alone on the break room?

Fuck your chicken nuggets: wtf why were you on the phone

Connor: ... Stuff.

Simon: That doesn't sound ominous at all

Josh: Weren't you t-posing Gavin, Connor?

Connor: He ran away.  
Connor: Like the little bitch he is.

Fuck your chicken nuggets: EXCUSE ME?  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: ILL TEACH YOU WHOS THE LITTLE BITCH

Connor: Oh, you wanna go?

Fuck your chicken nuggets: YEAH I WANNA GO  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: MET ME AT THE PARKING LOT IN 10

Connor: Great, I'll make you my bitch there then.

Fuck your chicken nuggets: NOT IF I DO IT FIRST, YOU PRICK

North: wth

Anderson: i hate this place

North: i'm so excited to start to work there  
North: it's going to be so fun

Anderson: you know you actually have to work, right?

North: ... fuck that's right

Markus: I thought you knew it?  
Markus: You actually didn't believe that they just spend all day fighting and referencing memes, did you?

North: ... i have to make a few calls

Josh: sigh

Simon: Same

 

Fuck your chicken nuggets: hehe  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: i have a boyfriend

Connor: I have a boyfriend too.

Fuck your chicken nuggets: no way  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: is he handsome?

Connor: He's so handsome, you have no idea.  
Connor: What about your boyfriend?

Fuck your chicken nuggets: fuck, hes the best

Tide pod: STOP  
Tide pod: Guys it was cute the first time, now I just want to shoot you both

Fuck your chicken nuggets: tough shit

Anderson: life is pain and everyone is going to die

North: – PewDiePie

Simon: My hero

Detective Pikachu: How do you guys know about memes wth

North: i've been a proud 9yo since i deviated

Simon: North converted me

Markus: I don't know memes.

Josh: Someone has to babysit them

Detective Pikachu: That sounds fun

Tide pod: That's interesting and all, but I still want to strangle Connor and his twink of a boyfriend

Fuck your chicken nuggets: twunk

Tide pod: Shut the fuck up

Anderson: you were the one with the idea of telling connor that t posing is a form of flirting

Connor: And for that I can't be more thankful.

Tide pod: I regret my life so much  
Tide pod: Please never be cute on the chat, I might actually die

Connor: then perish

Fuck your chicken nuggets: then perish  
Fuck your chicken nuggets: gdi

Tide pod:

North: on second thought, working is a fine price if it means a daily dosis of this

Anderson: everyday we stray further from god

Josh: Ain't that the truth

 

 

Anderson: i want to mcshoot myself

North: mcshoot

Markus: Something happened?

Anderson: i was investigating a scene with connor and gavin and they kept flirting with each other  
Anderson: it infuriates me that they managed to still be good at their jobs

Fuck your chicken nuggets: its the power of two gays combined

Anderson: soon you two will have two graves next to each other if you do this again

Connor: I apologize for making you uncomfortable, Hank.  
Connor: I will not, however, apologize for flirting with Gavin.  
Connor: Have you seen his ass?

Anderson: OKAY IM LEAVING

Tide pod: I hate you guys

Connor: I love you too, Tina!

Tide pod: NO, DON'T BE CUTE, I'M MAD AT YOU

Connor: :(

Fuck your chicken nuggets: DONT MAKE MY BOYFRIEND SAD TINA WTH

Tide pod: NO CONNOR BABY DON'T BE SAD, I DIDN'T MEAN IT

Connor: You didn't?

Tide pod: OF COURSE I DIDN'T, IT'S PRACTICALLY ILLEGAL TO BE MAD AT YOU

Connor: Oh.  
Connor: It's fine, then! :D

Markus: That's actually scary.

North: illegal puppy eyes

Simon: The true massive destruction weapon in the world

Josh: Puss

Detective Pikachu: I read that last message without context and I was so confused

Tide pod: Same

Connor: I was almost offended.

Josh: Why?

Connor: Because I'm gay as fuck and I thought you called me a pussy.  
Connor: At least call me a dick, that way Gavin would still like me.

Tide pod: CONNOR WHY LKFKAKKDKKSJD

Anderson: please end me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I wanted this to be a standalone  
> And I somehow failed that, so  
> Yeah   
> That


	2. Yeet'st'd've'd'ote'd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found out how to put images on ao3 and i somehow didn't overused the feature, wow
> 
> Also, standalone???? lmao y'all thought, this bitch doesn't have self control

[FUCK YOUR CHICKEN NUGGETS] changed to [I WANNA BE TRACER]

[CONNOR] changed to [I'M ALREADY TRACER]

I wanna be Tracer: fu k

Tide pod: I hate you guys

I wanna be Tracer: this wasnt planned i swear asffjjddlf

I'm already Tracer: You're literally curled up against me and you thought I wouldn't see you typing that name?  
I'm already Tracer: Gross. Get off me. I can't believe you didn't change your name so we could be matching.

I wanna be Tracer: stfu youre literally kissing my head

Simon: Shut the fuck up!

Tide pod: We don't want to know this!

Detective Pikachu: You're fucking annoying!

I'm already Tracer: You're a bunch of bullies.  
I'm already Tracer: Also, Chris???? I'm wounded.

Detective Pikachu: Don't you get snarky on me young man, Gavin is a bad influence on you

I wanna be Tracer: chris your dad is showing

Tide pod: /gasp  
Tide pod: Not the dad

Anderson: its literally three am what the fuck are you all doing still up

Detective Pikachu: Damien was crying

Tide pod: Cramps woke me up

Simon: I don't sleep

I'm already Tracer: I'm gay.

Anderson: yknow connor, sometimes i really hate you

I'm already Tracer: Dad! That's so mean!

I wanna be Tracer: wait hold up  
I wanna be Tracer: what the fuck  
I wanna be Tracer: hank is my fucking father in law?

Anderson: ew no

Simon: I mean, TECHNICALLY, he is

Tide pod: Connor unironically calls him dad sometimes  
Tide pod: Congrats, Gav! You have a dad!

I wanna be Tracer: im resisting my urge to quote the vine over my fucking disgust  
I wanna be Tracer: that wasn't part of the deal, blackheart!

I'm already Tracer: Suck it up, you're a big boy.

I wanna be Tracer:

North: damn, when did connor get this sassy  
North: he needs to stop, he gets more ugly every time he gives someone a sassy comeback

Simon: North, aren't you supposed to be on paperwork duty?

North: i already finished everything on my head and i'm currently playing fetch with a pigeon

Simon: Why do we even try

North: because you love me!

Simon: 

North: bitch wtf

I wanna be Tracer: nooo!  
I wanna be Tracer: wasted opportunity!!!!

Simon: What do you mean?

I'm already Tracer: Gavin Reed, don't you fucking dare.

I wanna be Tracer: 

Anderson: cursed pic

North: thanks! i hate it!

Simon: I love that

North: of course you do

I'm already Tracer: I'm going to break up with you.

I wanna be Tracer: do it pussy, you wouldnt dare

I'm already Tracer: Watch me.

Tide pod: Five bucks say they end up making up

Anderson: ill double up that to you if they end up actually having a petty fight

North: i'm with hank on the petty fight

Detective Pikachu: I say petty fight as well

Tide pod: Damn, okay  
Tide pod: Abandoning a sister like this  
Tide pod: I'm going to eat whatever I can buy at Olive Garden with those 30$ over sheer prettiness

Detective Pikachu: You hate Olive Garden

Tide pod: Your point?

Detective Pikachu: You're an idiot

Tide pod: YOUR POINT?

Simon: I'm starting to understand why Josh is always tired

North: josh is boring, wdym

Simon: Perhaps I'm also boring

North: /gasp/ no!  
North: you think?  
North: what made you came to that conclusion that absolutely nobody else suspected?

Simon: Shut up

 

Tide pod: PAY UP YOU TRAITOROUS BITCHES

Anderson: fuck  
Anderson: once again my son lets me down

Detective Pikachu: I honestly didn't know what else to expect

Tide pod: And yet you fucking bet against me?  
Tide pod: I'm surrounded by fake ass bitches smh

North: i'm so disappointed that connor didn't square up with his twink  
North: i'm always squaring up with markus and josh, wth

Josh: You do that because you want to solve everything fighting

North: because it's the right way and 90% of the time it just leads to hot make out sessions!

Simon: omg North, shut up, they don't want to know that

Tide pod: hwat

Detective Pikachu: I feel like I'm missing something important

Anderson: somehow i dont want to pry on this  
Anderson: im just gonna go and silently admit that im too old for this shit

Tide pod: Mood

North: pussy  
North: anyway, markus, simon, josh and i are on a poly relationship

Detective Pikachu: I thought Simon was gay?

Simon: Bitch, I am  
Simon: I just share my hot boyfriends with North uwuwuwuwuwu

North: no!  
North: i'm going to fuck you up if you use that again!

Simon: What, this?  
Simon: UWU

North: omg just fucking die

Simon: You wish, thot

Josh: Can you two be normal for just one minute

Simon: You ask too much

North: too unrealistic, 0/10, get better josh

Josh: You can't hear me right now but I'm sighing

Markus: What are you guys doing to Josh now? He's sighing.

North: honestly markus, when isn't josh sighing?

Simon: A Josh that doesn't sigh is just a cursed mental image

[JOSH] changed to [SIGH™]

Sigh™: I have found my true form

Tide pod: Somehow I don't want to get in the middle of this because this seems awfully domestic, but I do have to say  
Tide pod: I stan Josh

Simon: In this house we love and cherish Josh!

North: protect the pure bean

Markus: I'm down with that.

Sigh™: No, Tina  
Sigh™: Tina what did you do  
Sigh™: They're praising me, that doesn't happen

North: well damn, fuck you then

Sigh™: Thanks  
Sigh™: When?

Tide pod: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Simon: Well, North left, so I'm guessing now

Detective Pikachu: I'm still confused

Tide pod: Don't worry, you'll understand when you grow up  
Tide pod: Also, you bitches haven't paid me

Detective Pikachu: I'm not going to let you poison yourself with Olive Garden

Tide pod: Fucking. Watch. Me.

 

I'm already Tracer: I have the unstoppable need to share this with you guys.  
I'm already Tracer: Chris told Gavin that Tina wanted to eat at Olive Garden just because she was petty, and Gavin sprinted across the bullpen, tackled Tina and threatened her with cuffing her to a light pole if she dared to attempt against her own health like that ever again.  
I'm already Tracer: And yet the fucking idiot dares to look me in the eye and say that he doesn't care about anyone.

Markus: To be completely honest with you, I would do the same thing.  
Markus: Carl and Leo have told me how awful and life threatening the food is at Olive Garden.

Anderson: fuck, im never on gavins side but hell, ill do the same thing in a heartbeat

I wanna be Tracer: first of all, connor you fucking traitor, i have a reputation to uphold and i cant do that if you go around telling everyone that i have feelings  
I wanna be Tracer: second, no one can tell what connor just said

North: too late, i already tweeted it

I wanna be Tracer: you what now

North: check your fucking twitter you twink, i tagged you and everything

Anderson: lmao i did that too

North: nice

Anderson: nice

I wanna be Tracer: you two are fucking dead  
I wanna be Tracer: watch your back when you get into the precinct, north, i declare war on you

I'm already Tracer: Don't! Fight!

I wanna be Tracer: you cant tell me what to do

North: same  
North: square up, twink, i'll fuck you up

I wanna be Tracer: youre on

I'm already Tracer: Don't. Fight. :)

I wanna be Tracer: ...

North: ...

Markus: Even I'm intimidated, and that was just a text.

Anderson: same

I'm already Tracer: Thanks for deciding to solve this peacefully, I'm sure you two will come to an understanding soon. ❤

I wanna be Tracer: i shouldnt be this turned out by that

North: omg shut up

Anderson: what the fuck reed, we dont want to know that

I wanna be Tracer: suck it, i dont care

I'm already Tracer: STOP FUCKING FIGHTING. :D

North: okay

I wanna be Tracer: yes sir

I'm already Tracer: Thanks. ❤❤

Anderson: lmao get owned

 

 

I wanna be Tracer: yeeted

Anderson: yote

I wanna be Tracer: yeeted

Anderson: yote

I wanna be Tracer: yeeted

I'm already Tracer: Yeet'st'd've'd'ote'd

I wanna be Tracer: no

Tide pod: I'm tearing up  
Tide pod: My son,,, he's so wise

Anderson: how didnt i see that sooner  
Anderson: youre so right, con

I wanna be Tracer: no hes fucking not what????

North: so wise,,,,

Simon: The wisest,,,,,

Sigh™: The most wisest,,,,,,,

Detective Pikachu: The most more wisest,,,,,,,,

I wanna be Tracer: fucking! stop!  
I wanna be Tracer: what is even happening

Markus: Connor?  
Markus: Did you mean: my God????

I wanna be Tracer: you even got markus into this what the fuck is happening kkfkallllflls

I'm already Tracer: ...  
I'm already Tracer: uwu

Tide pod: The God has spoken!!!!

North: he's so wise!!!!!!

Simon: I want go be like him when I grow up!!!!!!!!!

Anderson: i suddenly feel like wanting to live again

Detective Pikachu: I want my son to grow up believing on him as his God

Markus: I want to praise the paths that he walks on.

I wanna be Tracer: JUST STOP WHAT IS THIS WHAT THE FUCK

Tide pod: You're so broke Gavin smh  
Tide pod: You're not worthy of our God

I'm already Tracer: He's making distress noises.  
I'm already Tracer: We broke him.

North: nice

Tide pod: Good job everybody!

Markus: I can't believe I just involved myself in this.

Simon: I'm laughing so hard

Anderson: fuck i cant believe that worked

Tide pod: I've known Gavin for my whole life  
Tide pod: If there's something that triggers him quickly, that is the word yote

Sigh™: Why are you all the way you are

Tide pod: The fucking dick tackled me on hard floor, I wanted my revenge for that

Detective Pikachu: I'm so proud of you for not taking the violent path

Tide pod: Don't dad me

Detective Pikachu: Bitch, I'm literally the mom friend, I'll dad the fuck out of you if I want  
Detective Pikachu: You can't repress my true form

Tide pod: NO, NO, I'M SORRY, ANYTHING BUT THE DAD JOKES

Detective Pikachu: Hi Sorry, I'm Chris!  
Detective Pikachu: I hope you're comfy, because we're going on a long ride that you can't cancel!

I'm already Tracer: omg shut the fuck up chris

Detective Pikachu: Oh, Connor, fancy meeting you here!  
Detective Pikachu: Gavin told me you two were going on a date to a sushi place next Sunday

I'm already Tracer: Hoe don't do it.

Detective Pikachu: If I were you I would avoid the sushi, I heard is a little fishy

I'm already Tracer: End me.

Detective Pikachu: End you? But I haven't even started you!

Tide pod: I want to die

I'm already Tracer: This wasn't worth it.

North: i'm absolutely terrified of chris and he seemed like the most harmless of all of you

Tide pod: Never underestimate the power of dad jokes

Anderson: they are to die for!

I'm already Tracer: SHUT THE FUCK UP KKDKAKJQQJD

Markus: Somehow, this is the worst outcome I could imagine.

 

I wanna be Tracer: im not even mad for the dad jokes, you bitches deserve them

Detective Pikachu: I always have your back buddy

I wanna be Tracer: the true real bitch in this house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have literally zero self control and a lot of free time
> 
> Also, if you say yote I don't trust you


	3. Hank gives happy hugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so, so sorry for the late update!  
> I recently started school again, and I've been trapped in hospitals because my health is shit 
> 
> But I found time to write another chapter!
> 
> I really hope you enjoy it!

Tide pod: Gavin has been mad for the whole Uno game, what's up with that?

Detective Pikachu: He hit me with a +4 and didn't even brag about it, like????

Anderson: so thats why the game didnt end with a table being thrown out of a window this time, huh

North: your game nights sound fun

Anderson: they arent

Tide pod: They usually are when Gavin isn't being a fuckING CRYBABY ABOUT SOMETHING  
Tide pod: FUCKING BITCH JUST TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG ALREADY

Markus: Maybe he wants to deal with this alone?

Tide pod: No, when he wants to deal with something alone he tells you right away  
Tide pod: He's being a goddamn drama queen and I'm mad that I can't do something about it

North: @I'm already Tracer what's wrong with your twink

Markus: He's not a pet, North.

North: sure as hell likes to act like one

Tide pod: NORTH I JUST GOT AN UNPLEASANT MENTAL IMAGE, WHY

Detective Pikachu: Betrayal

Anderson: and thats my cue to get the hell outta here

North: pussy  
North: connor is ignoring me

Markus: Now, that I can agree with.

Simon: Guys, Connor is ignoring me :(  
Simon: Oh, great, you're already discussing it

Detective Pikachu: wdym

Markus: Connor always answers in the first three seconds after being called.  
Markus: If he doesn't answers you after five seconds, he's ignoring you.

Tide pod: That bitch has ignored me more times than I thought  
Tide pod: Now I'm mad too

Detective Pikachu: I'm going to rule out two options here  
Detective Pikachu: One, they either had a fight and they're both grueling about it  
Detective Pikachu: Or two, Connor is comforting Gavin and purposely ignoring us

Simon: Is it just me, or they never have serious fights?

Tide pod: ... They actually don't  
Tide pod: What the fuck?

Detective Pikachu: You would thought that with their starts they would fight a lot more

Markus: I'm going to be honest with you and admit that at first I thought Connor was entering a toxic relationship. 

Tide pod: You're cancelled now

Markus: That's fair.

Tide pod: Do we rule out the fight option or????

Detective Pikachu: Maybe they had their first serious fight and it's affecting them more because of that? 

Tide pod: @Anderson

Anderson: what

Tide pod: Connor is practically your son at this point, was he upset before you left for game night?

Anderson: connor?  
Anderson: he was as bouncy as ever when i left, even took sumo for a walk

Markus: He never skips Sumo's walks.

Anderson: yeah, thats true

North: we have two police officers and one lieutenant here, but somehow we can't find out if these fuckers had a fight?  
North: unbelievable 

Tide pod: Aren't you in the academy?

North: oh  
North: right

I wanna be Tracer: would you goddamn fuckers just shUT THE FUCK UP?

Tide pod: GAVIN REED, YOU WILL TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, AND YOU WILL TELL ME RIGHT NOW

I wanna be Tracer: wtf  
I wanna be Tracer: alright then mom jeez

Tide pod: I'm waiting

I wanna be Tracer: no wait hold on  
I wanna be Tracer: whats wrong with me? theres nothing wrong

Tide pod: You were quiet as fuck on the Uno game  
Tide pod: Either you were mad about something or working on a case and you're currently waiting for forensics on two of your cases, so I instantly ruled that out

North: you still work with forensics?

Tide pod: Only in the cases Connor can't work on  
Tide pod: Which are all of Hank's and Gavin's cases

North: makes sense

Simon: Wait, who won? 

Tide pod: Oh, Gavin absolutely destroyed us 

Detective Pikachu: I somehow ended up with 20 cards, it was bullshit 

I wanna be Tracer: sucks to suck

Tide pod: Shut the fuck up and talk 

I wanna be Tracer: okay alright i was mad about something  
I wanna be Tracer: but its nothing serious so im not gonna tell you

I'm already Tracer: Gavin was mad because he found out he's going to be 66 by the time 4/20/69 comes.

I wanna be Tracer: you just love to out me, dont you

I'm already Tracer: ❤

Tide pod: I would be mad too, wtf  
Tide pod: Wasted opportunity

I wanna be Tracer: wait youre not mad?

Tide pod: Oh, no, I'm furious with you  
Tide pod: But the meme, man

I wanna be Tracer: thats as good as i can hope for

Tide pod: You're damn right

Markus: I will never understand this.

Simon: Don't worry about it  
Simon: You really don't want to understand any of this

Detective Pikachu: Amen 

 

North: ALRIGHT FUCKERS, FIRST DAY ON PROBATION, LET'S FUCKING GO

Detective Pikachu: Who's your FTO?

North: officer mckinney

Detective Pikachu: Oh no

Tide pod: Oh no

I wanna be Tracer: Oh no

Anderson: damn, they had it out for you

North: fuck, this isn't the reaction i wanted

Sigh™: Could you explain?

I wanna be Tracer: ill explain  
I wanna be Tracer: mckinney is a fucking asshole

Sigh™: That's rich coming from you

I wanna be Tracer: thats how you know hes bad

Tide pod: Mckinney was raised by a Military Captain and a veteran, so he's pretty strict with the people under his belt

North: ????  
North: that doesn't seem that bad

Tide pod: It isn't bad  
Tide pod: But he can and will terminate you if you even dare to stand in the wrong pose while in patrol

I wanna be Tracer: motherfucker almost terminated alex

Detective Pikachu: Everyone likes Alex

Tide pod: It wasn't their fault they fucking tripped on the coffee you spilled without knowing, Mckinney

North: these are going to be some long six months

Detective Pikachu: Thank your gods your probationary period isn't 18 months  
Detective Pikachu: I come from a department that had that probationary period, I know what I'm talking about

I wanna be Tracer: seconded

North: you were transferred?  
North: not surprised 

I wanna be Tracer: hey, i requested my transfer, shut the fuck up 

North: why?

I wanna be Tracer: none of your business

North: well, fuck you, you just made it my business

Sigh™: Alright kids, stop fighting

I wanna be Tracer: shut up, youre not my dad

Detective Pikachu: Stop fighting, Gavin

I wanna be Tracer: goddammit dad

Detective Pikachu: What did you say to me?

I wanna be Tracer: fucking NOTHING  
I wanna be Tracer: i hate this family

North: weird ass family  
North: am i going to be part of this bullshit?

I wanna be Tracer: HAH  
I wanna be Tracer: every place on this disfunctional family is already filled out

North: who wants to be a part of this weird ass family anyway

I'm already Tracer: You can be part of the family, North.

North: ... okay

I wanna be Tracer: ??????  
I wanna be Tracer: why

I'm already Tracer: Because I want my friend to be part of my work family!

I wanna be Tracer: youre so fucking full of feelings, its so damn gross  
I wanna be Tracer: come here so i can kiss you, you dickwad

I'm already Tracer: Gladly.

North: agh, goddammit  
North: i forgot about their love for pda

Tide pod: We all wish to forget about it

Detective Pikachu: They don't let us

Anderson: its a fucking curse

North: ughhhhh

Sigh™: Have a happy first day at work!

North: i will not 

 

Anderson: glaswell approached me and told me that he cant believe gavin and connor had been able to maintain their prank for seven months  
Anderson: and when i asked him what prank, he told me "you know, that bullshit about the two of them dating"  
Anderson: so i guess their relationship is a joke now

North: if only they could see this groupchat

Simon: None of the things here are a prank...

Tide pod: I still have nightmares about their fucking sex pic

I'm already Tracer: It almost was the entire sex tape.

Tide pod: Who are you?????

Markus: Why don't you add the rest of the officers here?

I'm already Tracer: ... That's a lot of people.  
I'm already Tracer: People that I don't consider my friends.

Anderson: you dont have anything to say about the juniors saying your relationship is a joke?

I'm already Tracer: I was aware of it.  
I'm already Tracer: Me and Gavin were.

Anderson: really?

I'm already Tracer: Yes. Officer Franco told us to stop with the prank already, because it had been a long while since it started.  
I'm already Tracer: At the time it annoyed me, but right now I just ignore it.  
I'm already Tracer: Neither of us have to prove the world something. We already told the department that we are dating, we already had to endure being on desk duty, HR burying their noses in our relationship and being forbidden to work cases together unless it was absolutely necessary, and if they don't want to believe us is their choice, but I'm not going to force myself –or worst, force Gavin– into being physically affectionate in public, with people we don't entirely know nor trust, so they can believe us.  
I'm already Tracer: They can fuck off.

Anderson: damn  
Anderson: im really proud of you, son

I'm already Tracer: Thanks, dad.

I wanna be Tracer: im having feelings  
I wanna be Tracer: gdi

Tide pod: I'm so proud of you two

I wanna be Tracer: no tina dont cry i know youre crying

Tide pod: Kat is hugging me because she saw me crying

Detective Pikachu: I didn't come here to cry, wtf Connor

North: so gross

Tide pod: Who are you hugging?

North: i made markus and josh hug me

Simon: I wanted a hug too and she didn't let me be part of it :(

Markus: I don't like to see you sad.  
Markus: You can hug me.

Anderson: oh wow im so alone

I wanna be Tracer: im stuck at the fucking bank stOP MAKING ME TOUCH STARVED YOU FUCKS

I'm already Tracer: I'm in my way to a crime scene. :(  
I'm already Tracer: I don't enjoy the feeling of wanting a hug but not being able to receive that hug.

Anderson: who are you working with

I'm already Tracer: Officer Martin.

Anderson: nah, hes not a hugger

I'm already Tracer: I miss Tiffany, she always hugged me when we worked together.

Anderson: oh, so shes the other officer that youre in first name basis with

Markus: Who's the other one?

I'm already Tracer: Alex.

Tide pod: Everyone likes Alex

North: i havent met alex

Tide pod: They usually work night shift

North: aw man

Tide pod: I know!!!!

Detective Pikachu: I'm at the station, it really sucks to don't have someone to hug when you want a hug

I'm already Tracer: Go hug Hank.

Detective Pikachu: ???

I'm already Tracer: He's a great hugger, I know what I'm talking about.

Detective Pikachu: Okay then

Tide pod: I always wanted to know that!  
Tide pod: He's big and buff but also a big softie, so I always wondered if his hugs were any good

I'm already Tracer: Oh, they are  
I'm already Tracer: He makes you feel safe immediately

Tide pod: That was my theory!

I wanna be Tracer: youre still talking about hugs????

I'm already Tracer: Hugs good.

I wanna be Tracer: alright then

Detective Pikachu: I feel safe????  
Detective Pikachu: The safest I ever felt while being here?????

I'm already Tracer: See!!!

Anderson: i had a feeling connor had a doing on this

Tide pod: Hank, I want a hug too!

Anderson: i mean  
Anderson: sure  
Anderson: anyone else?

Simon: I want one

North: same

Anderson: okay then  
Anderson: ... gavin?

I wanna be Tracer: no fuck off

Anderson: you sure?

I wanna be Tracer: ... if anyone finds out i hugged you youre dead

Anderson: fine by me

I'm already Tracer: Fucking tsundere.

I wanna be Tracer: NO SHUT UP

Tide pod: TSUNDERE GAVIN IS BACK

Detective Pikachu: THE DEAL BROKE, WE'RE FREE AGAIN

North: explain

Tide pod: Gavin was tired of being called a tsundere, so he made us promise to never call him like that again  
Tide pod: But we made him promise that we could be able to call him a tsundere again if someone that weren't us called him that

Detective Pikachu: The prophecy has been fulfilled

I wanna be Tracer: i want to die

Tide pod: Too bad, you're stuck being alive like the rest of us, deal with it

I wanna be Tracer: i dont want to

Tide pod: Suck it

North: im definitely going to enjoy working here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When 4/20/69 comes, I'm going to be 67  
> It makes me sad


	4. Miku Day Bonus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Miku Day and Neil Newborn said that Gavin is a dog person, so fuck it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bonus!  
> I hope you like it

[I WANNA BE TRACER] changed to [SUB 2 PEWDIEPIE]

[I'M ALREADY TRACER] changed to [BITCH LASAGNA]

Tide pod: Oh boy

North: YES! I APPROVE OF THESE NAMES!  
North: i'm going to join you guys

[NORTH] changed to [PROUD 9 Y/O]

Proud 9 y/o: i'm home

Bitch lasagna: I can't believe I let myself be dragged into this.  
Bitch lasagna: I don't like PewDiePie that much.

Proud 9 y/o: shut the fuck up

Sub 2 PewDiePie: ??????  
Sub 2 PewDiePie: how am i dating you

Bitch lasagna: idk

Tide pod: This is going to be really confusing

Detective Pikachu: Honestly, I'm surprised you guys stayed with the Tracer ones for so long

Sub 2 PewDiePie: same

Bitch lasagna: I honestly forgot we had those names.

Detective Pikachu: It shows up in the chat

Bitch lasagna: Eh.

Sub 2 PewDiePie: guys its miku day

Tide pod: Lmao weeb

Sub 2 PewDiePie: shut the fuck up, eli got me into vocaloid, blame him

Tide pod: I still can't believe your cousin is your boyfriend's real dad

Sub 2 PewDiePie: i still cant believe you still word it like that even though i fucking asked you not to

Bitch lasagna: Fuck.  
Bitch lasagna: I _have_ daddy issues.

Sub 2 PewDiePie: dont you start calling me daddy

Bitch lasagna: Ew no.  
Bitch lasagna: You don't look like a daddy.

Sub 2 PewDiePie: i dont even know why that offends me

Tide pod: It shouldn't

Sub 2 PewDiePie: i KNOW, tina

Anderson: happy miku day fuckers

Sub 2 PewDiePie: HAPPY MIKU DAY ASSHOLES

Sigh™: Hey, Happy Miku Day

Detective Pikachu: I'm?????

Bitch lasagna: I'm surrounded by weebs smh.

Tide pod: I didn't expect Josh to be one of the weebs

Sigh™: Man, it's 2041, stop shaming me for liking Vocaloid, North does that enough

Proud 9 y/o: not nearly enough

Sigh™: Enough

Sub 2 PewDiePie: ew, hetero drama

Bitch lasagna: x2

Tide pod: Sorry guys, in this Christian group chat we're gay

Sigh™: Who's not gay or bisexual here?

Tide pod: Hank, Chris and, dare I say it, North?

Proud 9 y/o: you nailed it

Tide pod: The rest of us are gay af

Detective Pikachu: You guys are so valid omg

Anderson: this is nice, but we have work

Tide pod: Boo, whore

Anderson: stop quoting mean girls and get your ass in the precinct

Tide pod: :(

Sub 2 PewDiePie: anyway, happy miku day

 

Sub 2 PewDiePie: GUYS I GOT A ROTTWEILER AND SHES FUCKING AMAZING AND HER NAME IS LINDA AND I LOVE HER  
Sub 2 PewDiePie: YOURE NEVER GOING TO SEE HER SHES MY PRINCESS 

Bitch lasagna: I'M CRYING. I LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES ME AND SHE'S SO TINY BUT SHE'S GOING TO BE SO BIG AND STRONG AND 

Sub 2 PewDiePie: connor is hyperventilating guys omg 

Tide pod: I DEMAND TO SEE HER 

Sub 2 PewDiePie: NO  
Sub 2 PewDiePie: SHES GOING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU AND PREFER YOU LIKE ALL OF MY PAST PETS AND I REFUSE  
Sub 2 PewDiePie: MY FUCKING CAT STILL CRIES BECAUSE YOURE NOT HERE, IM NOT GONNA LET YOU STEAL MY DOG TOO

Anderson: you named the poor dog linda? 

Sub 2 PewDiePie: i just wanted the dog man 

Anderson: understandable 

Simon: I... want to see the dog :(

Proud 9 y/o: let me pet her you bitch 

Markus: Let's make a vote. 

Sub 2 PewDiePie: no. 

Markus: I'm just going to assume that everyone wants to see Linda, so, by majority, you are now obliged to let us pet her and tell her she's a good girl. 

Anderson: oh?  
Anderson: i didnt picture you as a dog person 

Markus: If there's something the internet and I agree with, it's that all dogs are good boys and girls. 

Anderson: amen

Sub 2 PewDiePie: ummm, excuse me???  
Sub 2 PewDiePie: im not obliged to do shit 

Tide pod: Connor is forcing you to let us see her, isn't he

Sub 2 PewDiePie: connor is forcing me to let you see her  
Sub 2 PewDiePie: goddammit 

Anderson: whip.mp3

Sub 2 PewDiePie: shUT THE FUCK UP  
Sub 2 PewDiePie: anyway, she has all her shots, so using the fucking miracle of all of us sharing a free day for the first time in two years, im going to take her to the dog park and you lot can come and see her  
Sub 2 PewDiePie: and if sumo behaves, he can come too

Anderson: my dog is a fucking treasure, shut your mouth 

Sub 2 PewDiePie: no, fuck you 

Proud 9 y/o: i'm going to steal your dog

Sub 2 PewDiePie: if you do that im going to annihilate you 

Proud 9 y/o: try me, bitch 

Markus: On second thought, this might not be such a good idea... 

Sub 2 PewDiePie: shut up, i already said were doing it

Proud 9 y/o: bitch the fuck, don't shut up my boyfriend 

Sub 2 PewDiePie: youre always shutting up mine, what the fuck

Tide pod: THIS IS GOING TO DEVELOP IN ANOTHER "MY BOYFRIEND IS BETTER THAN YOURS" WAR AND I REFUSE TO LET THAT HAPPEN FOR THE FIFTH TIME THIS YEAR  
Tide pod: So shut it 

Proud 9 y/o: killjoy 

Sub 2 PewDiePie: never want to see me happy, huh, tina? 

Tide pod: You're right, so shush 

Sub 2 PewDiePie: unbelievable 

 

 

Sub 2 PewDiePie: WHO STOLE MY DOG???? 

Proud 9 y/o: i said i would 

Sub 2 PewDiePie: GIVE ME LINDA BACK 

Proud 9 y/o: MAKE ME

Markus: Children. 

Detective Pikachu: Right? 

Anderson: theyre never going to grow up 

Sigh™: They really aren't 

Simon: Stop being such dads guys, what the hell 

Anderson: ummm

Detective Pikachu: We're LITERALLY dads

Simon: And that doesn't mean you have to always act like one, so shut it 

Anderson: the day people stop telling me to shut up its the day i die happy

Sigh™: You're going to have an unhappy death...

Anderson: ...  
Anderson: yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to write this short bonus because:
> 
> 1) It's Miku Day and, as a weeb, I'm obliged to somehow celebrate it
> 
> 2) The ConVin discord made me think of Gavin having a Rottweiler and I needed to get that out of my system
> 
> 3) I wanted to
> 
> Happy Miku Day!


	5. Hey

Happy April 1st :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The new chapter is currently on the works and probably going to be posted later in the week  
> That statement is not part of the joke

**Author's Note:**

> It is known that I have no self control over what I do
> 
> Find me on [ Tumblr ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sherr-vc) so you can yell at me for having so many ongoing projects


End file.
